she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
