he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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