I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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