i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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