Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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