i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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