he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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