Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
FUCK WHALES
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
