You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
