do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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