i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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