I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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