I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
