I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
