so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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