You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
