I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
