I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
should my penis look like a turkey
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
