I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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