I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm eating all of the evidence.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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