i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
