I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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