So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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