I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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