I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
