haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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