Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I can't put those talents on a resume
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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