My first STD was from a foam party
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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