the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize