3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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