WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
