god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
