we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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