You can't special order awesome
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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