When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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