dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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