Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
