apparently the secret to your success is patron
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
