i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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