i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
