she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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