I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So much rum. So many feels.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
