I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
