Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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