He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
How does one acquire holy water?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
