I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
