im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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