my vag is so smooth its legendary
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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