hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize