Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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