Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
