I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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