also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
and she was petting her beer can
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
