I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
