I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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