i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
