He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
