I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize