Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
