He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
