I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
