i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We were destined to go to rehab together
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Randomize
