I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
